Monday, November 11, 2013

Lost & Found

Lost & Found
A Snippet of My Journey to a New Chapter

As I begin to type, my heart is racing and I am SUPER nervous to be so transparent.
I have finally, fully embraced the story He wrote for me.
 The only way to explain my new project is to give you a little background.

I am the mother of 6, but only hold 2 here on earth.
"They" tell you they must have been "Too Beautiful for Earth", but I miss them.
Heaven is their home now...
They are a part of my walk with the Lord and how my Trust in Him has grown.
Before my Angels changed my life I was a just a Pew Warmer Christian (is that such a thing?). You know, where I would go, sit and listen, felt fed for the week and move along.
I didn't truly have a "Walk".
However, God's plan for me is an amazing journey of loss, bitterness, GRACE, healing and now sharing.

When Brian and I decided to start a family it was super easy! Nine months later we welcomed our perfect little boy. Picture Perfect! 
When we decided we would like to add another little one we had no reason to think it wouldn't go the same way.  We were pregnant and expected the same outcome 9 months later...
At my 10 week appointment they scheduled an ultrasound to check dates.
I was alone, had no reason to make Brian go...he gets sqeemish and I knew there would be other appointments he could go to.
I lay on the table and the Sonographer and I are chatting about the upcoming excitement when she becomes silent and turns the screen away from me. She tells me she needs to get the Doctor and my heart sinks....
Upon their return they explain to me there is no heartbeat and they were sorry. They turned the screen and I saw what was a perfect, tiny baby laying as still as could be.I was in disbelief. 
I asked for a picture and I held onto it like it was air.
I was then moved to a regular exam room and told they would be with me shortly.
I waited, and waited....and waited.....AND waited.
When the Doctor entered I was given paperwork and told to go to the hospital to do pre-op and that I would be having a D & C on the morning.
What? Wait, what is that? Surgery?
We arrive at the hospital and I am in a fog.
I have the surgery and go home.
Empty Inside...literally and figuratively.
Now What?

Life does move along and the Doctor tells us it's OK to try again. There was nothing chromosomally wrong with the baby, just a fluke. I asked what it was. A Boy.  I have never spoken that to others.
I named him Micah and grieved him again.

We became pregnant again about 4 months later. Unfortunately, it ended in a loss at 8 weeks.
NOW I have a lot of questions.
Tests begin.....Time passes....My grief is subsiding.....

A year and a half later we get the amazing news again.  We make it to almost 12 weeks when problems start. I develop a Subchorionic Hemorrhage. We were given a 50-50 chance on keeping the baby.  Each ultrasound showed a very busy little baby and that was encouraging, but the pain and amount of blood loss each day gave me much anxiety. On a Sunday (days/dates are haunting at this point. burned in my memory), I felt horrible. We lost Baby February, number 3, at home. Not realizing that is what had happened until our doctor's appointment the next day. The Sonographer tells us that my "womb is empty" and we could see where it was previously attached.
Why is this happening again? 3 Babies! Why God????

In May we find out we are pregnant AGAIN!
As I type this I cannot believe we kept trying, seems incomprehensible.
Everything is perfect! I am sick as a dog...good sign they all say!
We go see the specialist since we made it past the first Trimester!
Yipee!  13 Weeks and All is well!!
But as we are getting an ultrasound, I'm watching the screen on the wall and I knew...
Brian hears me gasp.
I tell her I don't see the heartbeat...she is quiet...NEVER a good sign.
She turns to me and says,"I am going to get the Doctor. But I know you have seen enough of these and you know what you are looking at. I am so sorry."
Brian keeps saying "What does this mean? Tell me what this means!"
I told him the pregnancy is over and I will have a D & C again tomorrow morning.
Sure enough, head to the hospital for surgery.
At the follow up appointment we were told nothing chromosomally wrong with the baby, but he said it didn't look healthy.  I asked....He said it was a Girl. Oh my heart!
I named her Ella Grace.

So, here we are. Four Babies in Heaven. Severe Depression sets in!
I was just in a fog that did not lift for several years.
All the while God was doing His work on me.
I was certainly the clay and every time He pushed me it seemed to hurt.

I put myself on the floor, with my face in the carpet (literally) and just gave my whole self over to Him.
I had resolved that this was our story and I was going to own it and use it towards whatever God wanted for me. I asked Him to use me.

We began to heal as an entire family and moving forward in life.
Making plans again.
Enjoying our precious boy that God trusted us to raise.

When out of no where, I'm feeling horrible.
I go to WebMD to diagnose myself, isn't that what everyone does?
I have narrowed it down to a Thyroid problem or a Pituitary Tumor.
I just knew it was a Tumor.
What are you trying to teach me Lord?

I go to the Doctor and one simple test rules out my self diagnosing.
We were expecting again. 8 weeks along.
OK Lord, What's going to happen now?

I go to my first appointment and get an ultrasound.
While I am laying on the table, I read the computer screen.
My name is in red with a flashing pink flag stating in all caps...
"Habitual Aborter"
As if I asked for each of my babies to be taken! Horrible feeling!
She begins the scan and then laughs a little and says...I QUOTE...
"It looks like you have conjoined twins at the chest."
I keep it together until I get to the car.
I begin to have a FULL ON temper tantrum.
I am yelling at the top of my lungs at God....
Why are you doing this to me?
Brian is going to leave me...he can't handle that.
I'll be on the news.
Brycen will be traumatized.
What am I going to do if I loose these babies?
Are you Kidding me?
then I scream...

As clear as if it came through the radio, He said...

I immediately stopped acting like a crazy person and said, OK.
I Trust You Lord.

Our Rainbow Baby Arrived Completely Perfect.
God is so Good! Amen!

So, now my journey has brought me to this point...I have talents in sewing and crafting and I would love to use these gifts for others.
I also have a heart for these Moms that suffer in silence.
As if because there is no birth, funeral, burial, headstone,
we should just tuck it away and move on.

Well, I think God has opened my eyes to where He can use me....
I have found my Voice!
 (Thanks Heather!)

I am beginning to start the process to supply Doctor's Offices and maybe a Hospital or two with
Baby Loss Comfort Boxes for Pregnancies Lost at 16 Weeks or Less.
I would have treasured something tangible, or information about connecting with other Moms
 in my situation.

The Boxes will Include:
A Journal and Pen
Angel Ornament
Fabric Flower Pin (made by Me)
Fabric Braided Bracelet with a Stamped Silver Disc Charm with "Angel" and Baby Feet
(also made by me)
A note from me and maybe other Moms who would like to share encouragement.

I will have photos at the end of the week so you can picture the package.

This is where you come in...
First, I need Prayer... A LOT of it!
I would also love any feedback, thoughts, comments....

Thank you so much for reading!
I know this was extremely lengthy, but it all needed to be said!

I hope you will follow along with me on this new journey. I am super Excited!

Such Fun,